Church in the Realm of Post-Modernity

Someone recently wrote about the Barna group's latest year-in-review study on spirituality in America. In it, Barna highlighted four distinct themes in American spirituality. You can find the full page here.

There is one part here, though, that really got me thinking and I wanted to share. Theme #2 is concerning the trend for Americans to craft their own faith and beliefs rather than accept the teachings of Christianity, citing post-modernity as a major cause. Which got me thinking about what a church should be in a post-modern world and how she should approach our culture today.

The following statement was offered on the site in response to Barna's second theme.

Feeling freed from the boundaries established by the Christian faith, and
immersed in a postmodern society which revels in participation, personal
expression, satisfying relationships, and authentic experiences, we become our
own unchallenged spiritual authorities, defining truth and reality as we see
fit.

Upon reading this, I kept coming back to...aren't these attributes of the post-modern society things that should be found in the church?

I think that church should be a place of active participation by all people. We should be expressing our faith constantly and in our ways, not those set before us by others. We should find relationships that are ultimately satisfying. After all, isn't our faith fundamentally about relationships, those with God and those with others? And if my experience in the life of the church isn't genuine and authentic, why am I even there?

I've wondered before about how to do church and worship in a way that includes and values the elements of our culture today, including its post-modernity, but now, it seems more than ever that our society is clamoring for real faith and church because of post-modernity. And it seems that the church, so focused on the element of it that disputes the absolutes of Christianity, is missing out on this chance to shape the church into something even bigger and bolder than it ever has before by embracing these different ideals.

If anyone reading this has any thoughts to add to this, please post them. This is going to be a lifelong mission of mine, I know, trying to figure out how to reach out to the world in their language, not ours. But I know there have to be others within eyeshot of this post who have thought the same things.

'Cause I Gotta Believe in Somethin'

I've made a decision recently, and I think it's a pretty big one. I'm going to trust in the Bible.

That book and I have had our disagreements in the past, to be sure. And there are still some issues clouding the air around us. Our understandings may never fall completely in line with each other.

But I can't live this faith without anything to lean on.

I've spent a great deal of time questioning the Bible and its texts, nitpicking different things here and there, doubting, disagreeing (all things that I think are good, by the way), but I'd taken a seat of judgment upon it. I took the stance that I could figure it all out and that the things written in that book would either fall in line, or I'd be able to throw them out.

But that view only led to more questioning, more doubting. If I questioned one part because I couldn't justify it using modern empirical reasoning, it didn't lead me to truth...only to more doubt and despair. Because all it left me with was myself. My conscience, my feelings, my reasoning - all things that I have no reason to trust in completely.

Think about it...how many of us still want the same things we wanted when we were younger? Who still wants to be an astronaut or wants a pony for Christmas? Who still feels exactly the same way about an event that happened to you years ago, good or bad? Who likes the same music and nothing more? So much about us changes, that's part of our nature, it seems. If I felt something was wrong before, I may not necessarily agree now. My desires are different. My views and thoughts are different.

So with all of that constant change, how can I trust myself, especially when it comes to faith? I am the candle in the wind, blown in every which direction. I am at the whims of subconscious mental factors and biological processes. I am constantly being shaped and influenced by the world around me. So what is is about myself that is so trustworthy? Not much.

So if I'm going to believe in something, if I'm going to trust anything with my life...I've got to choose something resistant to the changing nature of this world. Something beyond influence.

The Bible may not stand up to modern empirical scrutiny (even though it was subjected to peer review and found to be sound in every way), but what does really? There are mysteries contained in its pages, to be sure, but I'll take those mysteries over the ones that exist without it.

Belief must rest upon something, and that something has got to be reliable. Others may trust themselves above all other things, but I've seen enough of myself to know that I can't be trusted all the time. So I'll trust on the Bible as God's Word, spoken for all mankind through the eyes, voices, and pens of his servants by the power of the Holy Spirit, protected and guided by that same Spirit throughout all history for our benefit today.

There are things that are unclear, paradoxes, contradictions (kind of), and all sorts of unanswered (and unanswerable) questions. But the Bible is crystal clear on what I need it to be clear on - that God saw fit to sacrifice that which was most precious to Him, His Son, to pay the price for the disobedience and rebellion of something He loved even more, us, so that we, as broken, sinful human beings might find faith, hope, love, and life through Him on account of that sacrifice, and that by trusting in that fact, I will be made whole and complete and will be found worthy to stand in God's presence and live in peace for all eternity. And so I will take my stance in that.

If something seems untrue, I'm going to trust that it is and hope it will make sense later.

If two parts seem to contradict, I'm going to trust that both are true and that the explanation as to how that's possible will come in the fullness of time.

If something doesn't fall in line with my thoughts, feelings, or conscience, I will take the position that it's I who needs to change and move forward in that way.

Because I've got to believe in something, and this is the very best I've got.

Outsider Begging for the Inside

Trying to become a pastor can be rough on a man's identity...well...this man's, at least.

Ever since it started, it's always kind of felt like trying to join a country club where you don't like the food. I've always been a bit cynical about the office as a whole. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up in the church and therefore didn't have that kind of figure that everyone looked up to. Maybe I see the term "pastor" as more of a function than an office or station. Maybe it's undeserved, but maybe it's not...I have been ignorantly critical to things before. Regardless, here I am trying to become one now...go figure.

Before I proceed, let me say that in recent years, especially since I began travelling down this road God seems to have laid out for me, I have met several pastors who have challenged these views for me and I have come to have a new outlook. The more I get into this thing, the more I respect pastors and what they have to do. However, there do appear to be some who get it more than others, and my worst fear is that I would turn out to be one of the others.

My faith is something that's very important to me, so important, in fact, that I refuse to have it spoon-fed to me...well, entirely spoon-fed. I do have a bit of a lazy streak. But I have tried to be critical of any doctrine coming my way. With the multitude of different stances and interpretations out there, if I'm going to make one my own, I want to know that it can stand up to at least some level of scrutiny. If I'm going to stake my life on something, I've got to trust it and understand it in my own way, NOT someone else's.

In this respect, being in a church that is SO steeped in doctrinal examination, explanation, and apologetics has been both a blessing and a curse. On the up, it means that every statement is cited, preferably and typically from the Bible, so you can review the interpretation for yourself. On the down, it can prove a bit hostile at times to someone who's trying to figure it out for himself. The questions that have already been answered are met with matter-of-fact replies and the ones that haven't been answered are usually met with shrugs and comments that you're thinking about things too much (which I may be, I'll admit).

As much as I've learned, I still have my questions, and that terrifies me. But only because I fear what the "club" will think of my challenges. The little kid who asks 'why' incessantly may be innocent, but that doesn't make him any less annoying or frustrating to those who have to keep doling out answers. And in the end, if I never fall into complete agreement with something that is established doctrine, will I still be allowed to keep serving and searching? This has been a fear ever since I joined the LCMS (which I fell in love with precisely because, by its history and inception, it appeared to encourage independent thinking and intelletual pursuit within the context of faith), and seeking a position of great leadership within it has only brought more trepidation.

But a ray of light shined on Saturday, producing a much needed consolation after a challenging week. In my doctrine seminar, I bought forth some of my challenges, as others did theirs (although it did seem a bit lopsided in my direction). And while I did get my share of matter-of-fact answers and frustrated sighs when the next 'why' spewed forth, I didn't feel excluded. And from the one man in the room who represented the very class whose approval I will need along this journey, I felt encouragement, understanding, and maybe even a bit of empathy.

I still have my questions. I'm sure I still have some views that the LCMS might not agree with 100%, but I have a little more hope that I won't have to sell my soul to enlist.

I may just be able to become a pastor, and still be me after all.

Simplicity

Last week was a bit rough for me. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that "spiritual dry spell" would not be an appropriate description for where I was at. Something happened on Tuesday night that floored me in ways that I still don't understand and left me questioning, even doubting, just about everything that should be solid in my life, the most central item being my very faith.


At the heart of last week's events, I think, was a feeling of being quite overwhelmed. I've really been trying to develop a regular habit of devotion and prayer time, and haven't been getting very far. In the meantime, I've been studying for the Old Testament seminar, which involves reading sections and trying to present them in six minutes or less. So it's more reading comprehension than anything. And I've also been trying to study for my Doctrine seminar. For that, I'd just been reading article after article from the Book of Concord and writing two sentence summaries for each. It's been kind of boring reading, but also just focused on these deeper, yet, at the same time, sometimes almost meaningless aspects of faith that swirl around in my head. Combine all of this with life's regular ups-and-downs and the continuing spectre of speech class that won't go away for another couple of months and you've got a cocktail for spiritual meltdown, and my name is Three Mile Island.


I've slowly been rebuilding, and something that's been helping is very simple. Getting back to basics. I gave up studying for Doctrine or OT or Greek or anything like that. I'm still trying to keep the devotion thing up, but I'm slowing down a bit. More than that, I just picked up an old book to help give me a real person view of faith again. I'm trying to cut out the crap, for now, to focus on the stuff that really matters to me. And it's been helping.


One thing in particular that really brought me home today happened in church this morning. And I will say that the service in particular wasn't all that great, but one of the songs really just floored me.


O My Soul


O my soul, arise and bless your Maker,
for he is your Master and your Friend.
Slow to wrath but rich in tender mercy;
Worship the Savior Jesus.


King of grace, his love is overwhelming;
Bread of Life, he's all I'll ever need.
For his blood has purchased me forever,
Bought at the cross of Jesus.


And I will sing for all my days of
heaven's love come down.
Each breath I take will speak his
praise until he calls me home.


When I wake, I know that he is with me;
When I'm weak, I know that he is strong.
Though I fall, his arm is there to lean on;
Safe on the Rock of Jesus.


Stir in me the songs that you are singing;
Fill my gaze with things as yet unseen.
Give me faith to move in works of power,
making me more like Jesus.


And I will sing for all my days of
heaven's love come down.
Each breath I take will speak his
praise until he calls me home.


Then one day I'll see him as he sees me,
face to face, the Lover and the loved;
No more words, the longing will be over;
there with my precious Jesus.

It is a very simple song, the music is beautiful, and it speaks to my faith as nothing more than it need be. Creation and ownership, broken-ness and confusion, redemption, re-creation, and the hope that one day it will all be over.

I got teary, even at the very first line. And the words, along with the congregation's singing, which seemed particularly loud and bold at this moment, broke down my frustrations and showed me just how simple and beautiful this life of faith is.

Thanks, T. ;)

New Year, New Thoughts

I recently borrowed the latest Relevant magazine from a friend, and in reading it, found a couple of nuggets. Challenging thoughts, reflections, or thoughts to ponder. Thought I'd share/record for my own future benefit.

- "I don't perceive that things will ever be normal or perfect in this lifetime. I've stopped expecting it. But I do know that each moment (even the painful ones) contains grace...When I look, I see the real God everywhere: in the homeless, in the disbelieving, in the hurt and wounded, in the arrogant conservative-and sometimes, God even shows up in me...It's true, really-I'm stumbling toward faith. It's not an easy path, and it isn't a well-traveled one. But I have learned to pray one sentence throughout my days, my struggles, my rage, my sadness, my disbelief and my confusion. 'I believe. Help Thou, oh God, my unbelief.'" - Renee Altson

- I like Mates of State. Check them out.

- Transactional Spirituality - Faith is a series of cause and effect principles that guide everything that happens to me. If I do the right things, pray the right way, give the right way, live the right way, I'll be blessed. If not, punished. Everything I experience in life is a result of one or the other. Transformational Spirituality - Faith is a process through which God reveals his will to us and bids us to walk with him. If good things happen, it's God trying to tell you something, to pull you closer to him. If bad things happen, it's God trying to tell you something, to pull you closer to him. Our faith does not follow prescribed patterns of positive and negative reinforcement, as such, God does not desire a life lived simply to gain reward and avoid punishment. I want to be transformed by God...not enter into a business deal with him.

- Must remember Charity:Water

- I promise more real posts soon.

Chrysalis

I had such a powerful day today, that I just wanted to post some quick bytes.

- I feel so lucky to be able to sing. There are just some thoughts that come across so wonderful through song, and I am so thankful that I am able to share those thoughts with others in that way. I sang in church today and felt SOOO grateful that I was able to share that with everyone else there. I must say, it's one of the first times I've sang and really felt that way.

- I have been blessed with such wonderful friends thus far. Especially the work of those youth from St. Paul that have become so dear to me. Some of them surprised me today with a visit, and my heart truly leapt. I miss being a part of their lives, and pray that I can remain close to them and even grow closer, as friends, as both they and I start moving on to whatever God has in store for us next.

- Today...for the first time since all this pastor stuff came down, I felt real joy at the calling. After a tiring morning at church, the drive to Greek class and my time there, I felt real frustration at different times, but all-in-all, I got home reminded of all that God has done with me in ministry so far and longing SO deeply to see what he will do with me in the coming years. My time in the chrysalis is beginning and will continue for some time. But I look forward to being something better when it's all over. And when I say 'something better,' I don't mean a pastor.

Re-Creation

I haven't been able to post anything in a while, for various reasons. The most pertinent being that since I quit my job, my 'puter/interweb access has been very limited, so when I do get access, I typically use it for other things. But Peter seems to be sleeping well, and things have been on my heart recently, so I want to put some things down.

One of the big things that's hit me recently, which won't be anything new to most of the few people who might actually read this, is actually based upon a theme that seems to be coming out of our recent sermon series at church. Essentially, it seems to be a series looking at the overall narrative of Scripture, the big picture type stuff that is present regardless of whatever book, chapter, or verse you look at.

Well, last week, this theme was introduced with a concept that I'd never really taken in before. We started the series talking about how God made all Creation, and He made it perfect. However, our decision to oppose God, to do things our way instead of God's, destroyed that, and it not only resulted in our imperfection and our twisted, deformed nature, but it impacted all of Creation, bringing death and enmity to all the earth and the creatures therein. But instead of leaving it there, God begins taking the broken pieces of this and uses them to re-create Creation.

He's re-creating both Heaven and Earth (Isaiah 65:17, 2Peter 3:10-13, Revelation 21:1-3).

He's re-creating the relationship between God and man that we severed (John 10:1-10, Hebrews 7:18-28).

But most of all, in all those other things, He's re-creating us as well (2Corinthians 5:17, John 3:1-8, 1Peter 1:18-23).

This last point is the one that has really hit me so far, and has been the one that I have been praying most about recently. I have grown very weary with myself as I have been most my life. I've tried to change the bad things and embrace the good things, but I just never seem to get there. But I'm truly inspired by the notion that God is re-creating me the more I put aside my own needs and desires and seek something better and grander for my life and this world. God is taking this broken, beaten, deformed, wretched thing that I have become and is shaping it and directing it and cleaning it to make it something new.

It may seem kind of an elementary idea to some, but it's something that I think for me is taking root for the first time, especially when you think about how God is doing the same thing in everything else...why not me too?

Foreshadowing

I’m currently reading a book called Girl Meets God, by Lauren F. Winner and came across this passage.

"God is a novelist. He uses all sorts of literary devices: alliteration, assonance, rhyme, synecdoche, onomatopoeia. But of all these, His favorite is foreshadowing…He was laying traps, leaving clues, clues I could have seen had I been perceptive enough…Sometimes nothing comes of [these clues]. Sometimes, as in a great novel, you cannot see until you get to the end that God was leaving clues for you all along. Sometimes you wonder, How did I miss it? Surely any idiot should have been able to see from the second chapter that it was Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the rope."

I find it hard to fault Jewish people of Jesus’ time to see Him for who He really was. I mean, I don’t know anywhere near enough of prophecy or Revelations to adequately interpret the signs and the times now, so how can I blame them for not seeing Jesus, even when He was literally staring them in the face?

But now that it’s all happened, looking back through Scripture can be a fascinating thing. The clues are all there. The sheer amount of foreshadowing is mind-blowing.

And it seems to be the same with my life. I can look back at a hundred isolated incidents/thoughts/experiences that I’ve had in my life and come to the conclusion that they’re all meaningless, nothing more than coincidence. But seeing the changes that have occurred in me since then…I feel like an idiot sometimes because I didn’t realize. Jesus has been calling all this time…I just wasn’t listening.

The cool thing now is that I know a little bit more about how God works, so I know I can look forward to more surprises. Not that I’m any better now at catching the signs the first time through, just that I’m more aware of how God writes to know that the story isn’t over yet. =0)

Daily Bread

Aaaaahhhhh!!! This is all so crazy!! I mean, I'm leaving my job of eight years to pursue something completely new, after spending four years working on my family and our home, I'm moving them all in with my in-laws before taking them on three more MAJOR moves, and I've only two weeks of making income before I have to focus on other things (that cost a fair amount of money, I might add). This is INSANE!!!!!

And is hasn't come with it's share of stress. I'm deeply scared about what all this is going to bring. I mean, this whole thing is a huge leap of faith for all of us. When I look at other pastors, it's really hard to see me fitting in with them. I've never been all that close with my in-laws, and now I'm going to be living with them for a year?!?! And after finally feeling like I'd found a home after Jen and I got married, I'm planning for four moves in like six years, some likely across the country. And when it's all done, I don't know who or where I'll be.

Yet, I'm still left with the feeling that all of this --the move, the seminary, being a pastor--it's all what God wants me to do.

Recently, however, Jen and I have come to some realizations.

I essentially put in my notice at work and faced my boss and fellow employees' questions and comments about my decision because I knew I couldn't work full time and get all of the studying done that I need to before next year. What I didn't know is how we'd pay for any of that or anything else for that matter without me working.

But God saw our need, and He met it. Last week, Jen was offered what could arguably be a dream position for her right now in her career. At first we were happy just to know that she would have a job, but upon further investigation we discovered that her schedule seems to fit in rather perfectly with what we need for the next year, the benefits are better than mine were, and she'll be making more on her own that we ever did with our combined incomes.

We've been really nervous about moving in with her parents, the changes that will bring to our lives, and the adjustments we'll have to make. It's really been kind of depressing to take what seems to be a step backward in the growth of our family. But truth be told...there aren't a lot of people who have the option of moving their family in with someone else when times get tough, and there are a lot of people really struggling right now because of that fact. There are so many things we take for granted, and I'm incredibly thankful that God gave us the provision of a home with minimal expenses during this chapter.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I need to spend some more time praying, thanking God for His provision. I ask for my daily bread, that God would meet all my needs, all the time. But now I need to spend some time thanking Him for meeting all the needs I never realized He's been meeting all along. Especially those deep seeded needs, those inner, subconscious needs, that I never even realized were there.

Thank you.

The Call

Disclaimer: This post ended up being like really long. Hopefully, you guys don't mind. If you do, feel free to skip to the end for the synopsis. Sorry. =0/

Since high school, I've really been struggling to find my place in this world, like many people from my generation. A few years before my wedding, I went through this huge gamut of potential careers, trying to figure out what the heck I should do. I went from technical writer to athletic club member services guy to firefighter and finally settled on high school teacher.

The reason for all the flip-flopping and mind-changing was simply due to the difficult questions I was asking. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What could I be good at? What kind of work could I enjoy? What would make me happy? I mean, I didn't have the slightest idea half the time what I wanted to do next week, let alone the rest of my life.

So like I said, I finally settled on high school teacher and went back to school to further my education. The problem was, even though I'd finally settled on a path...it didn't make me feel any better. I still felt lost and unsure of myself, and halfway in, I began to realize that maybe this wasn't for me after all.

Even though I felt SO alone in all of this, thankfully, I wasn't. God has been in me working overtime to start straightening out my life over these past few years. I believe that God brought us to the churches and people we've been in touch with and dealing with for a purpose, and through them, I came to realize something. I was asking all the wrong questions.

I didn't feel any sense of purpose or meaning to my life until I started trying to get more in line with God. So if I wasn't feeling that in my life, I was sure it meant that it was an attitude problem. Rather than ask what do I want to do for the rest of life, I should have been asking, "what does God want me to do with my life?" Rather than ask, "what could I be good at?," I should be asking, " what did God make me good at, and what does He want to make me good at?". Basically, I came to the conclusion that the only thing I could be truly happy doing was the thing the God would be happy with me doing.

So I basically entered into a holding pattern. You see, when an airplane comes into a destination early or some others come in late or any other host of reasons, air traffic controllers will tell planes to wait a bit before landing, so the planes enter into a holding pattern. They simply circle an area repeatedly in a pattern while waiting for further instructions from the ground on what to do to get them down.

I started asking God to show me what He wanted me to do, and I waited. I just kept going through the motions everywhere else. No long-term goals, only short-term. Just enough to keep the plane moving, but not enough to really get anywhere. Not until I had my answer. And believe me, that answer was taking its sweet time coming. So much so, in fact, that there were times when I began to wonder if one would ever really come.

Until recently.

I have been toying with the idea of becoming a pastor for a few years now. Now, this notion was NEVER even on the radar before that, TRUST ME. However, there have been a three main instances here and there that have injected the idea into my consciousness more and more.

1. When we first took over direction of the youth ministry at our church, there were only a few youth coming to anything regularly (and for the most part, they were the pastor's kids). Regardless, shortly after we'd met and started working with them, one of them told me one night, COMPLETELY randomly, "Hey Brett, you'd make a really good pastor." I scoffed at the idea, mostly because no one had ever told me anything like that before, and I couldn't see it at all myself. Yet, for some reason I may never understand, that random comment from a 17 year old kid, stayed with me, way in the back of my mind where all those miscellaneous, insignificant, yet totally unforgettable things go.

2. As all of this confusion surrounding my future hit its stride, I found out about a conversation that my wife had with one of our very best friends. They were sitting in his office one night, talking about whatever, waiting for me to finish some work, when for whatever reason the conversation, I guess, turned to me. And one of them (I got this second-hand, so really have no idea who said what) simply threw out something along the lines of, "I really think that God wants Brett to be a pastor." At which point, the other asserted, "You know? I've been thinking the exact same thing." However, the second then adds, "But, I don't think he's ready just yet. I have no idea what it is, but I feel like God is still working something in him, before that can happen." After that, the initiator, almost eerily responds, "You know? I've been thinking the exact same thing." Now that might not mean much to you, but when two people come up with a notion like that without influencing each other, it means something to me. I don't necessarily know what, but I really think it means something.

3. Lastly, somewhere in between those two incidents, Jen, myself, and the youth referred to in "Item #1" attended a youth worker's conference in Orlando. On the flight back, I was noticing the book that the gentleman across the aisle was reading (If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat, by John Ortberg, in case anyone was wondering) when he noticed my noticing, if that's proper in any way whatsoever. So he and I started up a conversation and ended up talking almost the entire flight about faith and church and family. See it turns out he was a deacon at his church in Chicago. But the thing that really hit me was something he told me towards the end of our conversation. He told me that God had given him the gift of sight, and he saw the mark of a pastor on me. He said that he didn't know how, and he didn't know when, but he knew that God was working with me, and that someday he would make me a pastor. Now I don't know much about this sort of thing, and I don't know what the "mark of a pastor" is, but when someone says something like that to you, it sticks. In fact, part of me was very troubled by it. We talk about the supernatural all the time in the church, but it's very rare when you encounter it head-on like that. Like the youth before him, I tended to scoff and ignore what he said, but it's never left me, and I find myself dwelling on it more and more these days.

So like I said, the idea was in there. But so was youth director or even something else. And I had gotten so frustrated that I had talked with Jen about it and told her that I just wished that someone would come up to me and TELL me FLAT OUT what I should be doing, because all of the guessing and the wondering was just about killing me.

Literally, two days later, I got what I asked for. First, Jen and I were talking about what was holding me back from entering the seminary and she called me out on it. She said that pretty much all of the reasons I was hesitant were nothing more than excuses, not a real reason in the lot. Then, as I pondered that, a Bible study later led by our pastor included a special reflection time during which we were asked to consider what it would mean to give up the fast-track in a career in order to do what you knew was right. Seems innocent enough, except that when the question was posed, Jen and I just turned to each other and laughed. We love those moments when God just seems to slap you upside the head with something.

But later that night even, we talked a bit more, and she revealed something entirely new to me. She told me that throughout our relationship, there have been several times when she knew that I was holding back. But from somewhere, she felt different things about what she should do about it. At times, she truly felt somehow that she should back off and not press things. Yet eventually that would change and she would suddenly feel like now was the time to push. She's felt that I should go into ministry before, but now, she said, she feels like she's supposed to push. It's time.

There have been a few other things recently that God has used to speak to me about this issue that I won't repeat just now for sake of the sanity actually reading all this. So I guess what all of that was meant to say is this...I have come to the realization that God is calling me to become a pastor in the Lutheran church. As such, I am currently planning on entering the seminary in St. Louis next fall (2009), God willing. I've got a lot of studying and preparation to do before that can happen, but that's what we're working towards.

As such, hopefully, I'll be writing in this a bit more in the future as my studies begin and God's work in me continues, so it'd be great if you guys could stick with me. Prayers if ya got 'em. We got a lot of decisions to make about all this. It should be an awesome ride. =0)

Too Much Grace

I don't know how many people are actually looking at this blog at all, but I feel the need, at least for my own good to say something about where I've been trying to go with my faith recently.

Everywhere I go, it seems everyone is talking about grace. It's in sermons, books, Bible studies, e-mail forwards (which I'm still not opening, by the way). It's on the radio, it's in the theatres, it's in the encouraging words of valued friends, and the hymns I find myself singing once a week or more. God's grace is truly amazing. It's freed us from sin and death and the devil, and...great...now I'm doing it too.

The problem with grace, IMO, at least in today's American Christianity, is that there's too much of it. So many people talk about God's grace and mercy, seem to know all the Hallmark phrases concerning it. and know them so well that they're the first things that spew out when someone needs an encouraging word. But how many of us have any real appreciation of what grace is, where it comes from, and most importantly, why we need it oh so badly.

So if you've noticed that my blog posts lately seem to be bent in a rather dismal direction, that has been very much intentional. You see, I haven't really felt very connected to God's grace for some time. I believe in it, and want to embrace it with everything I have to embrace something like that with, but there seems to be a barrier, and that barrier seems to be me.

How can I appreciate something so wonderful and strange and freeing and confusing as grace without a firm understanding of why I need it? That's why I've been focusing my thoughts as much as possible lately on my own sin--its depths, its works, its methods, its consequences, etc. Maybe, if I can come to a genuine understanding of what sin is and what that means for me, I can finally start to embrace the grace that seeks to rescue me from it.

I feel like everyone--pastors, congregants, even family members who don't profess any real faith--is so quick to say, "I'm a sinner," to cover their shortcomings. But few, if asked, would be able to give any real explanation of what that means, and even more seem to live their lives as it that were never really true. In fact, it seems to me that the faith lives of many actually start with being free of sin and then sort of fill in that sin they were freed from later. But how can grace truly enter into a heart that isn't repentant, and how can a heart repent if it doesn't believe there's anything to repent of?

That's why grace has been somewhat absent from my recent posts. I want to embrace everything that God has to offer me, and, for me, at least, I think that starts with getting a deeper understanding of what I am on my own. If I want to be changed, I need to know why. If I want to be washed clean, I feel like I should be aware of just how dirty I am.

Of Friends and Enemies

When I started in on Romans, I was looking through Chapter 7, and verses 7-13 in particular. The reason I spent so much time focusing on this was simply because it was confusing. The law brings death, but life, sin hates law, I hate law, but the law is holy, sin deceives, the commandment brings sin, etc….I didn’t know which way was up.

So when ML started talking about this in his intro, I paid special attention so I didn’t miss it. And when he explained that “the law increases sin…because a person becomes more and more an enemy of the law the more it demands of him what he can’t possibly do,” I scratched my head for a minute and then pushed the papers off to the side in disgust because that didn’t make any more sense to me…stupid confusing explanations.

Last week Peter was having a rather difficult night sleepwise. He woke up shortly after falling asleep so Jen tried to take him to bed with her, where he proceeded to kick, twist, and whine while hovering just above the sleep threshold. So to spare her, I took Peter into his bedroom and rocked him and hummed to him for like 45 minutes until he actually fell asleep. Then, I spent another 20 minutes or so trying to get that same sleep to transfer over to the bed with little success. He was exhausted, Jen was exhausted, and I was frustrated as hell. So when Jen made a backhanded comment to me out of her frustration, I decided to take a walk to cool off.

I walked for close to an hour, and after I cooled down, my thoughts transgressed to one thing. How much easier it would be on everyone, especially myself, if I just quit. I could leave Jen and Peter (they would likely function far more smoothly without me bumbling things up all the time), get lost in my job or hobbies, and just live out my life not bothering anyone else anymore.

Don’t worry…I’m not about to actually do any of that and I wasn’t seriously considering it then. But I did think about it, and for a while, I felt relieved. To only be responsible to myself…no pressure to perform…no expectations to live up to…if I was a total loser, it wouldn’t matter because I don't care and I'm the only one I've got to worry about pleasing.

That’s when it hit me…this wasn’t the first time I’d felt this way. This wasn’t the first time I’d had these thoughts. They’d been with me for some time. And for the first time since my life of faith began, I got why.

“The law increases sin…because a person becomes more and more an enemy of the law the more it demands of him what he can’t possibly do.”

Back in high school, I was the pious guy. I didn’t have any interest in drinking or drugs, I found smoking disgusting, and some of my best friends were adults. On top of that, I was always very forward about my decision to wait until marriage for sex. None of this was due to any faith view or anything like that, in fact, I was in my "atheistic" stage during most of this. I took a lot of pride in the fact that I wanted to be different, not following the crowd.

However, as I sat by and watched my peers live their lives, going to parties and dances, talking about dates with so-and-so, and the wild sex lives of some (by the way, I realize that most of these stories I heard may or may not have been true, but that’s not the point), secretly I was jealous. From my mouth, I would insist upon purity and self-control, however, in my heart, I fostered a desire to join in with the rest of them.

I wasn’t usually tempted to join in on the festivities of teenage life in the late ‘90s, and I think that even if I were, I would have been able to resist (more out of fear and naïveté than anything else). However, all that time I spent in my own head, formulating why I was choosing to live differently became SO tiresome after a while. And there were many times, SO MANY TIMES, when I wished that I could NOT be so different. When I saw all the friendships, the relationships, and the fun and heard the stories, all I wanted was to jump in so I could have that too. And I started to truly hate my decisions to try and live a pure and meaningful life.

How wonderful it would have been to just let go, give in, INDULGE those every fantasies that had come to possess my daily thoughts as I watched everyone else living the life I swore only to dream of.

I try to look at things eternally, to remember that all of the trials I face here in this life will be worth it when I get to heaven. But as strange as it sounds, heaven doesn’t always seem so hot. Think about it…a lifetime of torture (and that's really what it feels like sometimes) doesn’t seem like much of a price for an eternity in paradise, except that all I seem to have to cling to of that eternity is a promise and hope (which haven't panned out all that well for me in the past). This life and its pleasures, however simple and fleeting, are here, they’re now, and they’re ripe for the picking. To use the cliché, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and sometimes it’s so hard to keep my eyes on those one-of-a kind birds in the bush, when I’m surrounded by flocks of every other bird imaginable.

I get what Paul and ML were talking about now. Those things that are righteous, pure, and holy were created by God and they are the most beautiful things around. I should love them and seek them always. However, I’ve still got that Beast inside of me, not only pointing out how hard it is to reach the things of God, but also making a point to show me how sweet the alternatives are (even if I know that they are nothing but lies). And the frustration that I feel in trying to live for good things, while I watch everyone else having a blast enjoying the evil ones, gives my Beast another chance to stir resentment in me for those things that are good.

So now here I am, feeling more and more like this wonderful life God has in mind for me has it in for me because I’m so sick and tired of trying to live up to it.

Gravity

Lately, as I mentioned in a previous post, I've been wanting to delve deeper into this relationship that I seem to have with sin and Paul's letter to the Romans along with Martin Luther's commentary has been my current vehicle.

The thing that has occupied most of my time has been the constant, lifelong war that rages within me. How I can crave to live a life of purpose and purity, of love and decency, yet nothing I do seems to get me anywhere close. In fact, I find myself hating everything about me, questioning always if there is really anything in me that even resembles those things.

For the first time, it seems, I'm starting to glimpse why this is. Sin lives in me. It has all my life, from the very first split of my chromosomes. And this thing, this...Sin, has been my best friend all that time. When I wanted something, Sin tried to find a way to give it to me. When I lusted, Sin found a way to satisfy. And when I couldn't think less of myself, Sin found a way to build me up.

But, like a parasite, Sin wanted things from me in return, though I had no idea at the time just how much that would cost. I eventually came to realize that Sin was just using me, giving me what I wanted for no reason other than to get what it wanted at my expense. So I tried to change the relationship. Maybe I could convince Sin that our relationship would be better if it was a little less lopsided. And you know what it did when I tried? It got angry.

Sin raged and screamed and snarled and became so terrifying that I tried to run away. But just before I could...it stopped. It changed back that old friend I'd known all those years and offered the relationship we used to have. And when I walked back to its arms....oh, how wonderful it felt just to be back there again. But eventually, things would fall apart and we'd do it all over again.

I now realize that Sin is not, nor ever was, my friend. Its lies and illusions, though rich and wonderful, are empty, and I find myself wanting to be free of it so I can finally find something real and true. But no matter how hard I try, the memories of my time with Sin are too strong, too close. Getting free will not be easy, nor will it be without costs. In fact, it is and will be a battle, desperate in every way. This struggle to best my beast has led to so much heartache and pain, so much time and love lost and will likely only lead to more. But it's a battle I must endure.

As I sat down to lunch today to do some reading with this in mind, I put my headphones in and shortly heard Sara Bareilles singing a beautiful song she wrote, called Gravity. To me, it seems to be about a woman who feels trapped loving a man who does nothing but abuse and take advantage of her. While it may be a bit of a stretch, I found myself listening to the words and nearly reaching tears as I felt so many of the same emotions that characterize my relationship with Sin.

Here is the song if you haven't heard it. Regardless, below are the lyrics.

http://www.mamatales.com/missyE/12-sara_bareilles-gravity.mp3

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're
everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me..........down

Sin's love for me was never real...I know that. But just because something is a illusion doesn't mean that it can't feel real...and the flesh seems unable to forget those feelings. But Sin is like gravity, forever pulling. And by its very nature, it is bound, and seeks to bind me to the ground. It can't be any other way.

My heart longs to stand, run, maybe even fly, yet I remain Captive.

Guidance

I believe in the power of prayer. I just suck at doing it. If I ever really pray at all, it feels really empty.

But that's not the point here. I have really been struggling with the idea of "sin" lately and how it affects us. Not too long ago, I got the desire to start searching the Bible (or wherever) to try and get to the bottom of this whole "sin" thing. So I started the same way I always do when I'm looking for something in the Bible...I go to the back.

For those who may not know, I pretty much always use a Concordia Self-Study Bible that my wife gave to me for my birthday when we were dating. And I like it because it's so full of concordances and topical indexes, cross-references, etc. (which, if I'm being honest, I like because it gives me the hope that I can find what I want without really digging for it). So I started looking at all of the verses which contained the word "sin" or any derivative thereof....you can imagine the list.

After seeking out the fifteenth verse that just mentioned sin rather than talked about it, I decided to try to topical index for "sin." There all I found was a handful of references to specific verses which handled the summaries..."the result of sin is death"..."don't sin"..."all sin"...etc. However, this being all the same lines that I hear recited in churches and Bible studies all the time, it really didn't come close to satisfying the urge I had to understand things on a deeper level.

Crap.

So the next time I took it up (yesterday), I went back to the verse listing in the concordance looking for clusters of the words. I figured that if the word "sin" is listed like six times in a chapter, there's a decent chance that it might actually tell me something about sin. And guess where it led me....

Romans...Chapter 7 in particular. As I started reading, I found Paul talking of sin and our nature, etc. and started to feel like things were getting somewhere. One problem...things weren't making sense. I read the whole chapter and glimpsed around it, trying to determine context, and I started reading the commentary notes and looking for cross-references, but there were some verses that were just nailing me.

So I prayed. Short, sweet, simple. "God help me figure this verse out."

I kept reading and digging all around it, not seeming to hit it. So I began to think..."this is getting me nowhere. It would be great if someone wrote some big philosophical thing on sin and I could just start with that. Maybe a commentary would help." At that moment, I remembered that I found some of Martin Luther's writings online about a week or so back and liked some stuff I found there. So I tried to look again and guess what?!?! ML actually wrote an entire commentary on the book of Romans including a HUGE preface that apparently is pretty popular. So I checked it out, and get a load of what he said.

Before I quote this, let me say that I'm well aware that some who may read this are Lutherans who've had to do some formal education on this stuff, etc. and so this is probably a "well, duh" thing for you. But it's new to me so lay off. =0P

"This letter is truly the most important piece in the New Testament. It is purest Gospel. It is well worth a Christian's while not only to memorize it word for word but also to occupy himself with it daily, as though it were the daily bread of the soul. It is impossible to read or to meditate on this letter too much or too well. The more one deals with it, the more precious it becomes and the better it tastes...it is in itself a bright light, almost bright enough to illumine the entire Scripture."

Not only that, but THIS...."To begin with, we have to become familiar with the vocabulary of the letter and know what St. Paul means by the words law, sin, grace, faith, justice, flesh, spirit, etc. Otherwise, there is no use in reading it."

..................................................you got to be friggin' kidding me.

So needless to say, I've found my topic of study. I'm gonna start working through this preface first and then try to dig back into the whole book of Romans.

But the point of this post was not to say that. For the first time, I feel like I'm not going through this alone. ML was obviously looking out for me 500 years ago, knowing that some idiot down the line would really need to look at this book. But more importantly, whether I know it at the time (and in pretty much EVERY CASE, I'm clueless), God is helping me. I don't believe that I stumbled upon ML's commentary by chance. I am being led, and if I just try to remember and trust in that...(good luck)...this could go somewhere really cool.

So anyways, I'll be posting some things about what I'm finding here when I feel I have some kind of grasp on it. If you're reading this and at all interested, I hope it will help you too.

That's right, it's Memorial Day weekend! Everyone have a good one of those too!